The Herbivore

Hi all !

Like any good MDP, one has to look at the source of her suitor. In this case a guy I had handed my business card too the Friday night before, when I was three sheets to the wind and my judgement had been massively skewed(thanks Gin for that one!). At this moment in time, I know what you’re thinking…. is this a good idea MDP?

Yes, she cried! So I agreed to meet this Oreo in Central London. We met at a massively overpriced cocktail bar (OH THE JOYS of London). Because of my massively inebriated state the week before, where I had met said man, I couldn’t remember a single thing about him (helpful!). I knew he was the same height (yes I am heightist) and that his name was Oreo (a good start tbh). So first impressions, not bad, maybe a tad too dorky (rucksack x suit) and also he was so nervous (bless him) probably not made easy by the fact that sober MDP Vs drunk MDP is a LOT less fun. So we chatted, the conversation flowed really well but I already knew (circa 5 mins in) that he wasn’t my knight in shining armour. I am a REAL snob. So when he kept saying “I done” instead of “I did”  it was game over (poor sod!)

Being a trooper, I agreed to a second cocktail.

His arrived before mine and he started drinking it pretty quickly. I should also mention this was a half decent cocktail bar, popcorn had been provided, to ensure us thirsty mid-week drinkers drank even more ! And my GOSH was he shovelling it down in handfuls. We were four cups of popcorn down by the time my drink arrived and he had finished slurping (I HATE it when people slurp) the dregs of his cocktail. I should mention too that the cocktails had been garnished nicely with things like mint, lemons, and orange slices. So as I sipped, gingerly on my cocktail he proceeded to eat (YES EAT), the mint (plus stalk), orange segment (like it was half time at a football match) and lemon rind. He was one hungry chap!

Two cocktails down, he greedily eyed the menu, what would he go for next? I was silently praying this next one had no garnishes, because I was mortified that he had transformed into some sort of prehistoric herbivore, chomping on garnishes.


My prayers had been answered, and when the standoffish waitress slammed his next drink onto the table there wasn’t a garnish in sight- BINGO!

I visibly relaxed as I knew he couldn’t embarrass me any further.

Again, he drank fast. When he got to the end of his cocktail, which had some sort of egg like frothy top, he then proceeded to lick out all of the contents of the glass. I am not sure if this was him trying to exhibit some of his cunnilingus skills, or if indeed he just wanted to get value for money (I suspect it was the latter). Whatever it was, I was outta there. So we swiftly requested the bill. And left. (I practically ran to the tube!)

And so we bid farewell to another shockingly sh***y date.


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